When I first heard of the concept of "networking" back when I graduated from Smith College in '01, I had nothing less than a terrifically violent reaction to the concept (WTF!?!) Since then, however, networking has become a significant part of what I do when I go to blogging-related coferences--I've even done a bit of it locally with some of the Chambers and other business clubs. Networking is how the job-thing these days (or so I'm told.) But what I find most distressing is the number of networking nitwits that are out there--people who commit some of the worst social and networking faux pas ever, and think that it's just peachy-keen okay...
So, here's a short list of Five Fatal Networking Errors--stuff guaranteed to make the person you're talking with think you're either an amateur or a complete turd (depending)....
1) The Dead Fish handshake: it's one thing to have a "ladylike" handshake (esp. if you consider yourself a "lady") another to be a dead fish. Here's the difference: the "ladylike" handshake is when the hand is presented downward, rather than forward. The grip is not all that strong, by you can tell there's an arm at the end, and a person, who will usually meet your gaze and smile. Some women prefer to shake hands like this--maybe it's a cultural thing. The dead fish, however, is something totally different. The dead fish kinda flops into your hand. There's no strength, no acknowledgement that you're there--kind of like being presented with a mitt full of melted chocolate. If you put a little pressure on a dead fish, there's nothing back. Like you're squeezing air. The person usually also doesn't make eye contact--sometimes even heavy sighs like this handshaking thing is all such a passe bore and even if he/she did desire to deign to shake hands with someone, it wouldn't be with you. Often after a dead fish handshake, I like to wipe my hand on something, just to re-invigorate the cooties...
2) No eye contact. Excuse me, my eyes are NOT below my collarbone, nor are they over my shoulder where that 20-something drunken chick in the stilettos is falling over herself. You can bet that if there's no eye contact, the person's not going to be all that interested in what you do for a living--the usual response is "That's nice," in a well-rehearsed, smarmy tone.
3)Rude conversation. As if "That's nice" wasn't enough...how about "So, what do you really do for a living?" in a sort of leering wink-wink-nudge-nudge kind of tone. Frankly, if I'm telling you I'm a professional blogger, and it's on my business card, you can bet that at some time or another someone's actually paid me to blog for them. Personally, I'm beginning to feel like I should be wearing a button that says "Ask me about my projects!" to sort of direct the questions to something less offensive. Then again, I'm thinking the approriate answers to that ultra-rude question could be "If I told you, I'd have to kill you" (recommended by a friend) or the slightly less confrontational "Wow, sorry you didn't know my Dad's Rupert Murdoch. Dad's a bit potty, you know..." Which leads me to...
4)Business cards boasting urls to nowhere. Lately, I've gotten a ton of these. People advertising marketing consulting services or that they're writers or other ventures--and when I get back and type in the url to their web presence, I get....NOTHING. A placeholder, maybe. An old blog that they haven't posted on since March 2006 (started in January 2006.) Often I try to give the person the benefit of the doubt and re-type the url, or do a search to see if maybe the business card was printed wrong or if he/she has a web presence somewhere else. But that's a heck of a lot of work for someone who I may never see again. So, if you've got a url, but no website by the time you're going to a networking event, don't put the url on your business card. Have only a small amount of cards printed for the event, and then work on the website.
5)Signing me up to your newsletter without even an email. (this is post-networking, but just as annoying) Okay...so you're a good little self-marketer, and you've got all the bells and whistles connected to your website or blog, including a newsletter subscription sign-up. And, as you've been advised by a few networking professionals, who I'm so sure you've heard at a number of networking events (because I've heard them too) that when you get home with your stack of business cards, you split everyone up into categories, and the lesser creatures in your stack get assigned to your newsletter mailing list. I've got two words for you, sweetheart: BITE ME. I'm glad you think so highly of yourself that I want your pithy musings, but I'm really sorry I even gave you a business card in the first place. I'm not one of your lesser beings--in fact, I just might be a tad higher up on the food chain than you even realize. And even if I'm not (you'll never know now, will you?) maybe I don't like being bumped to your "consolation prize" list. So, piss off, baby--I'm unsubscribing.
And there you have it. If you'd seriously like to piss off the folks you are networking with, or who are networking with you, then do just these five things, and I guarantee you'll never hear from them ever again.
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